Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.

Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.

Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.

My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.

Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.

“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate

[sunset]

Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

*Seductively stripping out of clothes.

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…

i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.

I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.

[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails

Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody

Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet

[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands

Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.

-me, reading the Pringles can.

She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.

I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty