If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
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Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
some things should go without saying
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.