If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
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Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.