Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.

3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.

Me: Which one, buddy?

3: Any of them.

*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*

Him:*middle finger*

Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED

Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.

Missionary, so we can keep arguing

My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*

Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.

Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?

Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.

You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.

[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what

unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.

It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.

A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.

[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”

Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon

Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.

Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*

Co-worker:

It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.

I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.

My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.

Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.

Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.

[at the playground]

“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”

People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.

Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns

Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED