Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots

Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary

in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”

Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.

[police station]

Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Cop: *mumbling* am not.

If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.

Tell the colonel to bring it

Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.

I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.

The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.

How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?

Wives – 3

Men – What?

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children

Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”

*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

🙏🏾

Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.

Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud

The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.

-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive

My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.

So. Yeah.

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful

if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.

Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.

Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.