Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger

Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.

I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.

11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!

*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*

Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

I’m here!

– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters

Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer

Wait for it

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”

When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.

Me [all day]: tired

Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?

Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.

I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

What the FU..

Wrong car

(I have a master’s degree)

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders

My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub

I’m not feeling myself today…

…would YOU do it for me?

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.

Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted

[my first exorcism]

Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *

Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started

Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.

I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me