Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
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I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
the clam before the storm
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10