If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
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You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
gender is a sprctrum
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
