If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
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(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo