If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
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H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Would you wear it?
good work, everybody
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.