Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.

November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.

i think both sides are to blame here

Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.

“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”

Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows

“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*

ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating

I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb

MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors

Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee

Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails

Obviously that’s not true

We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings

Kids these days, I tell ya

babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me

Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?

ㅤ

When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?

This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭

I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.

That was easy.

Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.

so no one told you life was gonna be this way

Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.

90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.

y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.

this is where I found it today

Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!