If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
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I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet