If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
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He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
This is my cat’s medicine.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.