If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
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“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything