If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
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her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
That took me a moment.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
☠️☠️☠️
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit