If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
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I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
☠️
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye