Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform

I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.

*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it

I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.

Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.

them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal

Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.

ok this is getting ridiculous. it can’t just be the one guy. it’s gotta be a group of people pooping my son’s diaper

I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.

Always stretch before playing billiards or you might pool a muscle

@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3

Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!

Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.

this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.

[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing

Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.

Wife: The same four kids?

Me: I’ll be right back.

Our son, who lives in Brisbane, fully 10,000 miles out of earshot, has just sent our daughter, who lives under our roof, some bagpipes.

My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like

– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!

What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?

Gloves!

Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.

a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target

Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.

I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)

This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen