Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore

*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*

You up?

@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?

Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.

Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.

If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.

Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.

SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you

Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?

Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!

ME: Thanks. You too!

BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.

*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing

A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”

I could have died and those would have been my last words

Fun Fact:

The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.

Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke

*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time

“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”

Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake

“So you haven’t?”

Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.

Friend: Who did?

Me: Yep.

sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer

My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.

Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels

Give me Players for $500 Alex

“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”

What is checkmate?

“Wrong! What is your sex life”

ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert

HER: nice i love coldplay

ME: ok we have two problems

My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.

Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?

People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.