Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.

*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.

… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that

wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit

9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave

Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.

Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion

Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.

Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.

Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.

[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no

On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice

HER: do you mind?!

ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*

Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance

2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.

My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous

Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

U-HAUL, may I help you?

“You have any moving boxes?”

No all our boxes stay still

“Well you better go- wait what?”

Stop calling here, Dad

I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age

With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.

Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”

You: “Why? What’s happened?”

Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”