If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.

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[Day at the beach]

*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *

6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home


Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.



Mrs. Rabbit: Hello?

Mr. McGregor: Your kid’s in my yard again.

Mrs. Rabbit: Oh i’m so sorry, is he-

Mr. McGregor: yea he’s naked


Inspired by Baby Jesus, I’m hoping to get nailed this weekend.


*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”


Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.

Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.


Parenting tip: see if your child has learnt to swear by turning the wifi off while they’re gaming online


Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..


call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.


Avocados are like women: soft inside, dinosaur skin outside, big cricket ball in the middle, all the good ones are taken…