If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
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extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
It be like that sometimes 😆
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
These are my roll models.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off