Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.

We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.

Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]

Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him

that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”

In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.

what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy

Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner

I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.

My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”

I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.

My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.

Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife

Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds

My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce

my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work

eggs benadryl

A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all

Me: That guy is a bad apple.

6-year-old: He’s a person.

Me: I just meant he’s mean.

6: Probably because you called him an apple.

Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.

Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.

I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.

I know

I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.

Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day

People at Costco really need to be less sensitive

my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played