Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
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deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
work smarter, not harder
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”