If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
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Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
(grounding my kid) go outside.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Shortcut
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Grandpa
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.