If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
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I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
