Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *takes off my clothes*

Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.

[first date]

him: how do you feel about having children

me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours

As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”

Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•

“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.

Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices

Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger

Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?

Her: Someone tall.

Me: I’m over six feet.

Her: Someone who likes to travel.

Me: I’ve been to Japan.

Her: Someone with a steady job.

Me: I’ve been working since 1954.

Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?

Me: What? No… *Eats a train*

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her

Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?

That’s kind of worrying.

Always.

(Click “gift options” for merch:

This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”

Got drunk and hugged the Domino’s delivery driver again …. There goes that New Years Resolution.

If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.

this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first

it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period

I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room

Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids

Wife: When?

Me: Between 2 and 5

Wife: Ok

Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6

Oh. My. God.

Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago

Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today

I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period