Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Inspirational Tweets*

why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.

The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.

My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.

I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him

I’m not ready for this.

“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented

What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”

What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”

Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses

It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.

My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.

Facebook: Look at my perfect life

Instagram: Validate me harder

Twitter: Does this look infected?

I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.

Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.

If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.

Because manors.

my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.

Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.

Quiz host: Your topic is music

Me: Yes!!

Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?

Me: You’ve got to be kidding me

“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭

Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u

Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups

Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”

Me: “Get away from it.”

Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.

No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.

My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.

demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here

me: haha yeah

demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans

welp

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.