If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
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This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Become ungovernable.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Uh oh…
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol