If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
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Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
I feel this so hard
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.