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I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Seals are like dog mermaids who bite, so, like dog mermaids.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
My daughter b like “if u need something, call me” ???? You’re 3 sister girl 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]