If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong
You Might Also Like
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born