If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong
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Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
How to wake up a Beagle
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
There is no “we” in pizza
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?