If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong
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I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.