Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]

DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!

why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

gf: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i act like i know everything?

gf: yea-

me: i knew it

support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”

Me: “I said that?”

me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens

Me: I made this belt out of herbs

Her: why?

Me: oh, just waisting some thyme

I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.

Might fuck around and respond “sorry, I’m on a bye” if my family asks me to do anything this week.

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.

Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?

I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s

I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.

Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night

Me: You can’t prove that

Taco Bell employee: No we can

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.

Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.

I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”

But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.

having a job is cool but everydayyy???

Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.