If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
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screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?