If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
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Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
May never get over this
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Beauty and the Beast
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}