If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
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if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
My purse is deeper than some people.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*