If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
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To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
How tf did it end up there?
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.