If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
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I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
I don’t think my car can fly
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
This kid is going places
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?