Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise

Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?

Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what

[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”

My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

when you let your kid brother name your custom player

These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.

Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.

Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola

When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped

*me

My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?

If cooking blogs were tweets:

Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!

🧵 1/246

Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation

“What movie?” 🤔

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things

Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.

“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”

Getting a good nights sleep

Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!

My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.

[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit

It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.

“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”

I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.

People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.