Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”

Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?

Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?

finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.

Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.

[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.

Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?

Aquaman: The what?

My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”

If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: oh no

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

A French press is when you hug naked

[after the flood]

noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends

god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow

noah: that doesn’t really help

god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends

Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?

*During sex*

Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn

I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.

[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks

I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city

me: family! regale me with tales of your day!

5: good

2: yes

hubs: same

Me *has read one book all year*

Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books

I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

Do robots dream of electric sheep?

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]