Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles

Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it

[Christmas]

ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?

HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?

ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.

Maybe jesus needs me in his life

5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”

5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.

[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?

*finally detangles ear buds

*plane lands

JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here

MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula

WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh

Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.

Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*

This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.

I am basic white bread.

…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.

The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.

I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me

Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.

I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings

Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.

Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.

Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.

As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.

Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.

I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.

If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.