If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”