just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
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“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Haha! 😂
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you