Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity

daughter: oh sure, blame all your troubles on me! that’s the only reason you had me!

me: you know that’s not true, Patsy

Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick

RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT

Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”

You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*

“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1

FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”

How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?

*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.

*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.

Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?

Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win

itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….

-history

ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball

A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]

When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running

My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.

“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks

Me, 45: Looks like a million hams

My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?

So they can be namaste at home moms.

me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman

also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers

Me: I wanna be ugly

Genie: you got 3 wishes left

addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*