Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u

Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.

If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.

If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.

If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.

If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.

DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl

“Paper beats rock, Charles!”

I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug

Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.

My wife said I need to grow up.

I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.

hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit

(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein

[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it

Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no

where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away

I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.

Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!

Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*

Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!

Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*

Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.

I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.

I hope to stop crying soon.

My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.

[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]

１９.９８

[very gently]

１９.９９

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

３７.８３

GODDAMMIT

I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.

Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?

Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.

my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m extremely flexible

professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?

me: no problem

Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.