If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
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My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Good morning, Twitter 😊
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Manager: just got a quick little job for you
Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
This meeting could have been a pajama party.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.