Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?

(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.

the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes

GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”

Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.

People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat

feb 14: i love everything about u

feb 15: don’t breathe like that

Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.

Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?

Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.

Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”

Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.

I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.

Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.

It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.

sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese

Before a PhD: I don’t know.

After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.

Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby

I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.

replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.

The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.

I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.

[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here

Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.

According to math, I’m broke

Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’

Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?

13-year-old: Not that I remember.

Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?

13: I’d rather not.