If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?
You Might Also Like
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?
6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!
me: aw, because I’m coming home?
6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh