Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.

When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating

Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.

Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.

Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.

Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.

Toothpaste: Hi

Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown

them: what’d you do on your day off

me: wake up earlier than necessary

If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby

[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN

Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.

I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.

Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.

. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

Effort made

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks

Him: you just offended all of Canada

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this

You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.

[holding a baby]

me: uh so how long have you been a baby?

3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

Good news: My son cleaned his room

Bad news: He found his harmonica

Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”