Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too

My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.

The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.

Husband of the year 😂

ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab

Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.

The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear

I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.

The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.

For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.

*pronounces surface like Versace*

My 7yo said that boys were bothering her at school so she yelled math problems at them until they went away.

I have mad respect for this strategy 🙌

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”

Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …

I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars

If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.

my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .

I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..

Me: Eat your dinner.

6: But my belly hurts.

Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.

6: But I’ll feel better then.

You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.

Me: Can I get that to go?

Priest: That’s not how communion works

I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.

Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl

If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.