If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?
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The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
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In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Okay me first
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”