Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.

I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her

Me: Mow the lawn.

Son: I don’t want to.

Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.

Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.

I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!

The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.

HEY JALAPENOS!

Me doing the macarena dance

In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.

I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore

Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.

Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.

[sitting in van]

Robber 1: Ready?

Robber 2: Let’s do this!

Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?

The two types of wives

I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids

The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

Take your age and add 5 years to it.

That is your age in 5 years.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?

Me: yes

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”

[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good

My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out

hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.