If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
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I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Incredible customer service.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive