If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
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Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice