Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.

2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.

Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists

That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.

If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.

dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol

Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies

Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows

[text]

H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?

M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.

You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.

First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.

Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK

nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system

Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them

If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.

There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention

My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”

Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.

got my wisdom teeth removed.

surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else

In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.

If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.

Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?

Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.

(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?

Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).

CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…

[roleplaying]

her: this is weird

me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”

her: [dressed as the feather duster] no

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly