Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?

Unhoppy.

#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F

Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl

*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it

Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.

Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?

ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped

When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better

a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners

An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.

Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want

Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though

Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN

Me and kid:

The police never think its as funny as you do.

FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”

My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes

😆

I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.

@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂

9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas

He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.

Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

ME: *Donates my body to science*

SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.

Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese

A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]