Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god

i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle

Atheists are Popeless romantics.

This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.

Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.

Kids: LOL

Dog: LOL

Brain: LOL

Bladder: LOL

my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?

Me: ok Socrates time for bed

Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles

a test & 10-day waiting period before you can use an apostrophe

My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.

Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk

~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.

Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking

[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that

I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.

For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.

#topahole

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.

Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.

Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”

Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”

Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.

Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

[How the rap feud started]

Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?

2pac: sure, no biggie

Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]

How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?

Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.

Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.