if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
You Might Also Like
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.