if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…
GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix