If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
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Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
My dad just asked me, “if two vegans fight is it still called “a beef?”
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Poetry is my passion
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed