If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
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I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Life hack
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
I like to take long walks away from stupid people