If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
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“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Practicing safe sax
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.