Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose

[On the couch watching TV]

Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?

I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.

hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting

me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong

hypnotist: idk whatever

[later]

me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much

*takes off Scooby-Doo head*

Rivorce?!

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.

Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house

There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.

FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”

😂🐈‍⬛

This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.

Staying with my parents, pt. 17:

Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.

Mom: …

Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?

Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.

My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.

Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters

I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.

My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia

My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

Sometimes? I’m slipping

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.

The internet is undefeated.. 😂

If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.