If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
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I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
every single time
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.