If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
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Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
best first i’ve ever seen
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Welcome to the stomach
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white