If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
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Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
