If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
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Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
The USS B port
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
FRED: right
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.