If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
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every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I mean…but I did
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas