Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you pick your nose after dusting the house

Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals

[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship

Mood.. 😂

cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it

dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me

When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.

Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers

I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.

Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage

the world’s most popular steaming services

But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

me: *knocking* hello is anyone home

mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock

me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood

5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.

me to God

Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.

My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker

10 year old: What was it like?

Me: What was what like?

10: Being alive in the 1900’s?

Me: Go to your room.

A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”

1.

Admin smashed it 😂

You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

A dating app for angry people- Grumble

One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

In my experience, it’s better to make other people suffer for your art.

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….