Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.

“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”

HR: Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?

HR:

Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?

HR:

Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?

HR:

Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.

I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat

I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.

[watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek

7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore

Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing

When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

[dinner at my parents’]

my gf: thank you for having me

me: they’re not your parents weirdo

Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.

My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”

Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus

You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.

Me to my kids: don’t ever lie

Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

Best mom ever 😂

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

RIDDLER: What has–

BATMAN: A gazebo

ROBIN: Matches

RIDDLER: Let me finish-

BM: A paperweight

R: Dental floss

RIDDLER: I hate you guys

Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.