Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”

Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.

Aragorn: But we’re heading to –

Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.

I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support

I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage

grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken

king: how many horses do you have?

grocer: what

king: [panicking] how many men?

There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix

Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.

Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.

I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.

I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?

ME: how can i prepare for my date

FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids

ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet

My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”

I am so proud.

I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.

How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table

“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks

[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all

Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?

I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …

[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

Strangers have the best candy.

I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.

That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos

It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.