Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.

But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

Me: Just call me loaded fries!

Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉

Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.

Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!

[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!

Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?

Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there

(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang

Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?

Me: When she comes

Him: I know but when

Me: When she comes dude

Him: That’s not a time

Me: I’m going off of the information I have

Him: Do you know the horses she has?

Me: Yes six white horses

Him: See how do you know that

Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.

Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.

why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.

Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.

You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives

fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you

PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.

The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.

No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

scared to check what name she chose

If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow

Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to

Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶

if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40

You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.

Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…

“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”

I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.

I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.

If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.

This is always good for a laugh.