If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
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Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
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My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”