If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
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This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
asked my bf how work was today
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??