If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
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The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.