If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
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I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”
That’s no way to run a business, is it?
Presumably it’s a non-executive role.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.