Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’

Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.

Choose your seat? $10 fee

Check a bag? $30 fee

Want a pilot? $50 fee

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

who’s gonna tell her?

I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?

Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.

If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”

I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

I may have bags under my eyes, but they’re Versace.

santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?

I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

COP: I need to search your car.

ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.

I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.

*flirting with a guy at work*

Soooooo, what do you do for a living?

Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go

the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit

My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.

I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?