Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…

*flashes smile*

*smile calls police*

cyclists

*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!

Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management

Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up

Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something

Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all

Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.

very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses

in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.

me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time

Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍

5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉

(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.

Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.

Them: Do you know who you look like?

Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking

Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.

*accidentally makes crinkling noise.

Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.

Me: Please throw them in the dryer.

Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.

Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.

Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!

Her: so

Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.

hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?

I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.

“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.

My kids: What’s a telephone cord?

Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”

He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO