If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
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Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
bugs when you lift up a rock
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
a public service announcement
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.