If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
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Cheers Twitter.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
😅🤣😂
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.