Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal

And then there were 4

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.

I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation

When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?

Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

this is the news I live for

Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving

My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door

the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it

“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”

“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”

“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.

Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.

I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

*Caterpillar marriage therapy*

Wife: he’s not the man I married

Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!

You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.

If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?

my lower back watching me try to live my life

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts

Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.

every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion