If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
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me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine