If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
You Might Also Like
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
wow he looks just like him
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
bros in the example zone 😭
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*